Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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