next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
