Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
