Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
