I want to make a zoo with you.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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