I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
