Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize