Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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