I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
