U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
