sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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