sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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