my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
