I must be too annoying 4 u.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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