I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize