I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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