oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
