her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
