I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
