My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
