I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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