soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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