My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
