I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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