I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
