i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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