Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
