if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
His nipple licking is glorious
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