I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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