My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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