Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
