She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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