if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
