Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
