My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
