haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
