a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
