She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So much rum. So many feels.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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