I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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