I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
