Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
