That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
