You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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