according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
