It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
