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• (831): View more from California

  I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.

  (1-831): View more from California

  Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable

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• (903): View more from Texas

  ....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."

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• (763): View more from Minnesota

  I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"

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• (618): View more from Illinois

  Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?

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• (778): View more from British Columbia

  Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future

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• (807): View more from Ontario

  We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.

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• (662): View more from Mississippi

  Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I want you more than I want a burrito.

  (207): View more from Maine

  I'm not as filling.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.

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• (320): View more from Minnesota

  Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.

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