I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
