I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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