did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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