What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
