I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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