Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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