Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
