went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
