Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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