So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Pants are for mortals
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
