I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We're too hungover to prance.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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