I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
