I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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